Seriously Depressed

For weeks now I've been pushing away the thought that I might be seriously depressed. I thought I was just unhappy with my marriage, or that I was going through an identity crisis while adjusting to being a SAHM (stay-at-home-mom)... OR that I was overly stressed due to all the stuff that is going on with us moving. I finally let it sink in tonight I'm very depressed. I keep fighting with hubby. I keep talking about quitting school (I have 4 classes left after this current one). I keep thinking everyone hates me and is thinking the worst of me. I want to quit everything. Absolutely everything. I want to run away and go in to hiding. Make people think I died so they won't come looking for me. (I got this idea from Into the Wild, which BTW I think you should all see, especially if you've ever wanted to be a hippy or traveling vagabond)

So this is how I feel:
confused
out of control
foggy
hopeless
angry
tired... but then i cant sleep
uninterested in the usual, but incredibly interested in random subjects for all of 5 minutes (totally ADD here)
can't focus
I want to shop. A lot. I want to buy things and come up with new things to buy every day. All in an attempt to find something to distract myself from whatever it is I didn't know I needed distracting from.

Okay so I hope I didn't scare anyone off.

I am calling the doctor tomorrow. I told Zeke I want drugs. I am desperate to feel better. He thinks I should talk to someone. I told him, I don't need to talk to someone cause it's not like I need therapy. I just want the foggy, confusion crap to go away. It's not like I went through something traumatic and need help getting over it. I just want drugs. Gimme drugs.

It's funny I used to be against drugs for myself (mood enhancers er w/e they're called). I always thought I could work through whatever it is but I am so desperate right now to feel better that I completely changed my personal morals. GIVE ME DRUGS. NOW.

Hello my long lost peeps...

So... for those that haven't made it into the loop yet... I have a girlfriend. She is gorgeous and amazing :) and lives far away :(

I just got back from spending Spring Break with her and I miss her so much. Ah! It sucks. But at the same time, I am so totally in love and she makes me smile all the time.

That's the news... I have 43 days until I am finished with my second year of law school. It blows. Nobody should go to law school, unless I start my own law school.

By the way, did you see there is a TV show called quarter life crisis? They are totally copying us. If I studied more, I might know what we can do about that.

Whaaat

Why am I calling people? Do you miss your Kashitie (Rachel calls me that)

Check out how freakin cute this is:




I don't know why the pics are running in to the tables at right but if you want to see the full photos, here are the links:

http://media3.dropshots.com/photos/401860/20080314/163533.jpg
http://media4.dropshots.com/photos/401860/20080314/163621.jpg

I'm Back ...and here's the update!

WOW!!! It's been a few crazy months!!! It's so good to be back on American soil with my Gucci slippers instead of desert colored combat boots. I realize I haven't posted on here in such a long time, but I thought since I was back I'd share my sporadic grammar tactics and horrible arrangement of thought with the rest of the world. First of all, it's really good to be back. I've been deployed before, but never to such a horrible and desolate place. I lost 10 pounds walking the quarter of mile it took to get to the bathroom. I missed everyone here.... kasie you need to call me and Heather if I don't hear from you within 10 days you're in TROUBLE!!!! You may not care, but what I learned from the desert is as follows:

1. Don't brush your teeth in the shower. Once you drop it it's a goner... You have no idea what people do in there......!!!

2. Just because you like a particular food in the U.S. doesn't mean you're going to like it in a foreign country. Sorry TCNs (Third Country Nationals) that did not taste like peach cobbler.

3. After having our 2 or 3 (depending on the day) alcoholic beverages I had to pee at least 3 times before bed. Nothing funny here, I just had to because i have a small bladder and the bathrooms were so damm far away.

Love you all and hope to see you all soon!

I keep meaning to check here

My entire post disappeared waaaa!

I just wanted to say hi. I'm really busy lately. Check out personal blog to see what is going on.

Back Again with another random post...

So I suck at consistently posting. I admit it.

But sporadically posting is better than no posting at all, I think.

I'm here on my couch. I had my 3rd wisdom tooth pulled yesterday. It was really bad pain. The worst ever. I guess it was because this tooth was impacted, under the gum. I got it taken out at the VA.

I feel so lucky to be able to use the VA healthcare, but I get mad that I don't have dental coverage. They won't see me unless it is a dental emergency, and then I have to pay out of pocket. On Wednesday, it was an emergency. The pain had been gradually increasing until it kept me up at night.

They got me into a surgery appointment the next day - see? the VA is awesome. Now I am all doped up on vicodine. I missed my ex-study group reunion tonight because of it. I'm really sad I had to miss because I don't have many friends up here. My study group from first year were a great group of people (despite being law students). I miss seeing them all the time.

I miss my real friends a lot. I miss Kasie and Shannon from this blog. I miss talking to Shaun too. I don't even know if he is back from deployment. I miss talking to Emery, we are both so busy. I hate anyone feeling guilty for not keeping in touch better, too. If we don't keep in touch, we have normal human reasons for it. I am totally forgiving of it, because I haven't been good at keeping in touch either.

I also saw my psychiatrist on Wednesday because I thought I'd been really depressed. I thought it was a symptom of quitting smoking. (I quit smoking 2 months ago today, HOORAY!)

But the doc disagreed. She said that I am having anxiety problems, not depression. And it wasn't from quitting smoking, it is from the massive loads of work I have taken on this semester. Makes sense, I guess.

I haven't tried the new anxiety meds yet, on account of my vicodin.

I feel like staying mentally healthy is an everyday struggle. Law school works against mental health in general, I think.

Bad Habits

I was listening to the song "Bad Habits" by My Favorite Highway, and it led me to the realization that there are a lot of people who share my bad habits. For example, my habit of entering into something with a 100 percent commitment to making it successful, and then letting other activities interfere with seeing it through to the end. I overheard a guy say "It's not the strong and intelligent who win the race; it's the people who finish." I applied it to my own life, and recognized how it applied. It made me see how I don't really commit to a project. I'll use this blog as an example...I started off joining this small blog group with the hope of reconnecting with old friends, and sharing in their experiences. As time went on, I used events in my life (such as work-related activities and family drama) as an excuse to not write anything. I was always too tired, too busy, or in too dark of a mood to share. But this is supposed to be a journal of sorts, and I haven't been writing. I can relate this blog to other aspects of my life, and am able to see other projects I've started strongly, only to let others finish. I guess I'm flawed in that way, and realize now that this is an area I need to work on. Does that mean that this blog will survive? No. I think we all realize this is a community effort, and so it takes the entire community to make it successful. I do, however, thank those who made the effort to the end to keep it alive (Kasie and Heather), and will use that as a reminder to keep myself committed to the work I start.

Until the end (bitter or wonderful),
Shannon